Marshall Eriksen Quotes
Barney: I'm not scared.
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney: I'ts not.
Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the Time-Slap Continuum!
See what I got going on here, they're turkeys but they're also hands. Because later we're going to eat turkey, and then I'm going to slap you in your face
Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days!
Marshall: Yes it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge!
Ted & Robin [saluting]: General Knowledge!
Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?
Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford
Marshall: If I have to wait until my results come in the mail, I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Barney: Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry
Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a 10 year old alone for the weekend?
Barney: And your mom was perfect.
Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassry that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby
[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily?
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
[Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.]
Barney: That man is a god.
Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted (voiceover): But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily (voiceover): But she's a gun nut.
Barney (voiceover): But she's... Canadian.
Marshall (voiceover): But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.
Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume this is good for me.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall [muttering]: Already did this morning
Marshall: If Lily died, I could ride the tricycle.
Lily: If I died, I'd just come back and haunt your penis.
Barney: Stinson.
Ted: Okay, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh, come on! We agreed!... Did Marshall take his pants off?
Barney: Yep, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted! I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide! Cheerio!
