Michael: My whole life flashed before my eyes. I have four kids, I have a hover car and a hover house, and my wife is a runner, and it shows. and Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together, and I'm happy, and rich, and I never die. Doesn't sound like too much to ask.• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: It's actually not the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row! Ohhhhhhhh it was freezing! No, no, no! Oh! This is even worse. Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted one of those packages, where you have the five, you know, friends, friends and family thing. And the guy was like, "who are your five friends" and I'm like, "uhhh." I didn't even know! I couldn't even think! Oh my God it was so embarrassing! That was - I don't even have Jan's cellphone number! And I hate her! She won't give it to me! I was like "oh I guess I'm a loser." A looooo-ooo-ooooser. Too far! God. Thanks a lot man! Thanks for the advice.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: And then, I think I am going to go to the garlic festival.
Jim: Wow.
Michael: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. They have a TCBY booth! Same stuff you get downtown. Do you like TCBY?
Jim: Who doesn't?
Michael: "I can't believe it's... I can't believe it's yogurt."
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Who here has been the but of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis.
Phyllis: Michael you make fun of us everyday.
Kevin: Yeah. Every single day.
Michael: Uh, you never said anything.
Meredith: Uh, we have. Countless times.
Michael: Well it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying "Stop! Because I want you to stop" and "Stop!" as in "Stop you're making making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll I am a busting a gut. Stoppp!"
Angela: That's never been the case.
• Show: The Office • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin: Staples?
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond. Then he'd have to put on my suit. And it'd be too short. And he'd look... dammit he'd still look good.
• Show: The Office • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton industrial park community! Join your gangster pumpkin on his pallet truck of doom!
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Jim's a good kid, he can handle a lot. But sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh ... Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright? It is the easy way out. You are not alone. [gives the thumbs up]
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: Who wants candy?
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a koi pond?
Jim: Mmmmm... it's like Michael said, it was, um... something else.
Michael: It was ... okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who put a fish tank in the ground with no cover, and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in.
Michael: No, maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael: Not yet.
• Show: The Office • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 781
