Cam: Woo! That's the real Jay!
Jay: You know it! [snaps finger]

It was pretty pricey, but they're judgey so we knew the'd love it.

It is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

Claire: What party?
Mitchell: Aw the two saddest words in the English language.

Looks like someone has an issue with anger franagment!

Claire: Well hello! How is your first day back in the closet...business?
Mitchell: That makes no sense, I've never worked here before.
Claire: It's just a gay joke Mitchell. Don't over-think it.

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Coming up with a lie like that in the moment? That girl is no clown, she's gonna be a lawyer.

Cam: I present to you the Asian for any occassion, the clown that will invert that frown, the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cam: We're working on the name.

What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Claire: We are having fun.
Mitchell: You are. I'm just doing what you're making me do.