So I have good news from the doctor--you don't have rabies. You have giardia, and something called "Legionnaires disease."

I should have known those beets weren't from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature.

The eyeball fell off, that's how you know it's good!

Guys, we've gone soft! With our antibiotics and our sports creams!

Winston: Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Nick: But what do friends do when the other friend is taking a shower with a cat?

Nick: What the hell are you doing?
Coach: Making island beats.

Are you okay to drive? You've got crazy eyes!

Coach: His jeans are so small.
Nick: Looks like a puppet, like something an Italian whittled

He lost five pounds, he gained confidence with women, and he saw the movie "Multiplicity" 25 times.

I stole that from Nelson Mandela. I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler.

Are we ever gonna get to the point where you stop working on me? Or instead of changing me, maybe once Jess, see it my way.

It's not a perfect system Jess, but it's mine ok? And it's private.

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you, deeply. I assume that you would never because I messed this up so many times. You've made it very clear you only want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So it I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please stop me.
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in love with you.

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick