I once tried on my girl cousin’s wool tights and I didn’t hate how it felt.

I'm a very good secretary

Hey! If I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some?

Sponges make me feel exhilarated.

First order of business, we eat their food.

Just be yourself, and if he’s not into Jessica Day, there’s something wrong with him.

When did one on one sex become old fashioned?

Winston: That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on, everybody knows they're best friends.

Six hundred dollars! That's six hundred one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it.

I don't want a refund on my cruise and I don't want a refund on you!

Nick: My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups.
Schmidt: That seems like a lie.

Jess: Nick calls birds 'wind-mice.' Nick says 'yahtzee' when he climaxes. He calls turtles 'shell-beavers.'
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.

New Girl Quotes

You know what they call Seattle in Portland? North Portland. Or Vancouver's shoe.

Jess

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick