Pam: The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there!
Archer: So what?
Malory: Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they ARE secret agents.
Archer: Then why be one?

Archer: Pam, wait up! Get me drunk enough and i might have sex with you
Pam: Really?
Archer: No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me. But I do want to see how many pool balls you can stick in your mouth.
Pam: My record's three.

Pam: Can you explain compounding interest to Cheryl?
Cyril: Maybe if we had an infinite amount of time and she was some one else

Krieger: Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.
Cheryl: Smells like rotten meat.
Krieger: Also, yes.

The mochachino ones are the cutest. And I guess he'd be half gay too. Can you say, "best dancer ever!?"

Archer: Why do we have so many damn dolls in here?
Pam: For sexual harassment complaints so people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their bodies.
Archer: That takes like one doll.
Pam: Not if there's ever a gang rape. (fingers crossed)

Cheryl: Why don't you go back to Jamaica?
Pam: A) Because I got deported.

(Lana's voice is heard on Intercom)
Lana: Hi, if any of you men want to have sex with me (Cyril gasps) Come to my office and take a number.
(A large crowd of men appear before Lana's office. With Pam shoving her way thru.)
Pam: You heard the lady! (holds up piece of paper with number one on it) Take a number!!

ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Yes!
ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Have sex with me!
ISIS Agent: No.
Pam: Please?
ISIS Agent: No!
Pam: Gesturing with the dolphin hand-puppet towards his crotch
Aww, come on..
ISIS Agent: Pam...
Pam: Still in the dolphin voice
Nobody will ever know....
ISIS Agent: Yeah... I'd know.

(Malory is Depressed because she thinks Sterling's Dead)
Malory: (Despondent) Bring me some posion Pam because I don't wish to live anymore! I'm dead inside...
Pam: (holding notice) Too, dead inside to read good news?
Malory: (overly dramatic) Is it my Obituary?
Pam: (smirking) Well, it's not that much good news.
Malory: (snarling) GIVE ME THAT, OAF!!
(looks at paper) OH MY GOD! Sterling! He's Alive!!

(Carol to Cyril, who has his hand pinned to Pam's mouth)
Carol: (suspicous) What are you doing?
Cyril: (lying) Just trying to get my muffin back!
Carol: Uh, not like that your not (growls) You gotta slug her in the stomach, with a forarm shiver.
(Cyril looks at Pam, who gives him a pleading look)
Carol: DO IT!!!
Cyril: Sorry.
(Rams his forarm into Pam's stomach)
Pam: (Throws up contents and key) Bleeck!
Carol: See? Time lost is muffin lost (drops lunch bag) And so is my appetite.

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Archer: In case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
Pam: And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach, and cruise the strip in the bed of their monster truck with a big rebel flag on it.