When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink anything you put in front of her.

If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?

If you can't beat em, drone em!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.