Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again!

Claire: We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can only mean one of two things. Either she's going to be valedictorian, or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.

When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink anything you put in front of her.

If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?

If you can't beat em, drone em!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said