Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.

If laughter is the best medicine, consider yourself grape flavored Triaminic.

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

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