[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Wait, does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping? Is that why we have Luke?

If you can't beat em, drone em!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started out with a whipped cream smile on my waffle.

Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.