Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

Thanks to 35 dollars on the Internet you are looking at the Good Reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

Phil: Those drops are really hanging on. I’m like Han Solo when he came out of the carbonite. Nothing?
Alex: I get it. Star Trek.
Phil: You’re breaking my heart.

I know it's hard to believe but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in the day. And it was suggested I was out of my league when I landed Claire, by Jay mostly. And my friends, and my parents...and Claire.

Luke: What's Zima?
Phil: Just a party in a bottle. Man that reminds me of some wild times.

Maybe we can send un-vitations, is that a thing?

Cam

Phil: You know how you can treasure special moments in your past that in no way diminish special moments in your present?
Claire: Yes sweetheart it's called having a memory.

Can I sit around an empty house and wait for someone? Baby I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm Crocodile Dunphy?!

Gloria: How dumb do they think we are?
Phil: Sometimes Claire leaves me pictures instead of food instead of a shopping list.

Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear.