Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family

Can I sit around an empty house and wait for someone? Baby I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm Crocodile Dunphy?!

Gloria: How dumb do they think we are?
Phil: Sometimes Claire leaves me pictures instead of food instead of a shopping list.

Just a warning, I haven't shampooed professionally since college and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear.

Cam: You wanna tell me how you accidentally gave someone your key?
Mitchell: You wanna tell me why you spent all day sipping tequila out of some guy's navel?
Cam: You saw that?
Mitchell: I guessed!

Whoa that warmer drawer really works. It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.

I love film-making and I love love. I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film and I love doing it by myself.

I used to make stuff for Claire all the time. I think my artistry was what locked her down.

They say the greats never let anything affect their performance. Well maybe the greats never had a daughter who checked out during the third of five planned real time wardrobe changes. But I'm not gonna lie, it knocked me off my game.

A happy kid is like an anti-depressant. But a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer.

Haley: That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.
Claire: What? We are going there right now!
Phil: Wait, wait are you sure?
Haley: I'm gonna answer and then I'm gonna walk away, deal? I'm 420% sure.
Phil: Wow, she's bad at math.

Phil: Sounds fun, wear your helmets.
Manny: We will. I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 314 in total
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