I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started out with a whipped cream smile on my waffle.

Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.

Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

I'm kind of in a delicate spot stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously.

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell