Phil: Hey momma bear, you okay?
Claire: Not with momma bear I'm not.

Whoa that warmer drawer really works. It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

In your face, girl with a negative tattoo.

I love you when you're human.

Okay, I'm wonder woman.

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

You're all the porn I need.

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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Luke: I dunno, mom always tells me what to do.
Phil: Join the club.

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

I wanted a car like this since I was a kid. I used to image the wind blowing through my perm, blasting some Hall and Oates, maybe horsing around with mister microphone.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me