I don't like to talk about money. But I have exactly ten million dollars.

Gloria: I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil: You can... do me.

Our daughter might be going to college!!!

He got divorced and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream.

Phil: Who says people at the closet convention get all the fun?
Luke: No one, no one says that.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Phil: Where's mom?
Phil's Dad: Mom is sinking fast.... she's in the bath tub.

Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both

I called the florist and order one dozen Mylar balloons. Good luck staying mad, honey!

Phil: Those drops are really hanging on. I’m like Han Solo when he came out of the carbonite. Nothing?
Alex: I get it. Star Trek.
Phil: You’re breaking my heart.

Being a realtor man means working on sundays. Like priests and Lesley Stahl.

I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.