Phil: It's just that when you say "Phil is my son-in-law", it sounds like you're saying "Phyllis, my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Who is your son-in-law?
Jay: Phyllis!

Claire: I did cartwheels.
Phil: Without me?

Haley: I'm kind hungry mom.
Phil: Oh my god she's back!

Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now.

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

Alex: Dad, we haven't had lunch yet.
Phil: Neither have half the kids in Africa. Stop yappin' and get back to work.

I know I got a lot of baggage, but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist. Just kidding. I'm fine.

How awesome are people?

I know that tone. You're making a point.

No cops! We can't afford a scandal right now! Claire's running for town council.

Put the 'he' in 'hero,' son.

Phil: You know how you can treasure special moments in your past that in no way diminish special moments in your present?
Claire: Yes sweetheart it's called having a memory.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke