I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

I'm not a rider, I'm a strider.

Wait so you're telling me this call isn't coming from inside the house?

I've got Gloria! I've got Gloria!

We're like Ponce de Leon and his son... little Ponce.

Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.

Ho Ho Hold up a sec!

Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

Haley is so pretty. So she can meet someone who's the best at something

Don't talk black to me!

Why hug when you can manshake?