I've usually good at catching things from women in bars.

I've got Gloria! I've got Gloria!

I'm still thinking about all the Sanjays.

Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil: Or the smoking.

Just test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again!

There she is. The prettiest white woman on Maui.

Claire: I did cartwheels.
Phil: Without me?

Happy Valenbirthuhhhversary!

You have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete.

Maybe you should come to the doctor and I'll ... get rid of it!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me