There is no guy, I'm the guy.

Okay, I'm wonder woman.

Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again!

Phil: He seems like a real go-getter huh?
Haley: Why cause he goes and gets things?

I think we're all having a baby!

Just test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.

Phil: It's like a movie theater, library and a music store all rolled in to one... awesome pad.
Alex [to Haley]: A library is a place where people get books
Haley [to Alex]: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

You're doing that thing when you say what I want you to say, but your tone seems mean.

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

"My wife won't let me go to Vegas." Trust me that is not a phone call you want to make to a group of ex-college male cheerleaders. They will mock you with a hurtful rhythmic taunt.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.