Dr. Pryor: Here's your scientifically selected career.
Janey: Architect.
Kid: Insurance salesman,
Ralph: Salmon gutter?
Milhouse: Military strongman.
Martin: Systems analyst. Systems analyst.
Dr. Pryor: Systems analyst.
Martin: All right!
Lisa: Homemaker?
Dr. Pryor: Mm-hm. It's like a mommy.
Bart: Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered.

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Cheif Wiggum: Looks like you bought yourself a lottery ticket...to jail!
Lou: He's unconscious, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.

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Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph Wiggum: (Gluestick poking out of his mouth) No, Miss. Hoover.

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(Answers phone) Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.

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Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!
Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job.
Chief Wiggum: No, no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.

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If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.

Chief Wiggum

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Ralph: Mr. Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I went there. Yay, my turn is over.
Principal Skinner: One of your best Ralph.

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Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
Milhouse: Krusty looks fat.
Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance.
Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

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Barney: What are these axes for?
Chief Wiggum: I dunno, chopping stuff.
Barney: Gotcha. (chops down the Simpson's mailbox)
Chief Wiggum: That's some nice choppin'.

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Aw, isn't that cute, a baby driving a car. Oh, look there's a dog driving a bus!

Chief Wiggum

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This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Chief Wiggum

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Clouds are God's sneezes.

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