I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Ron: I'll have number eight.
Waiter: That's a party platter.
Ron: I know what I am, son.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Ron: Anne was getting a little chummy. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a really nice move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome Lester.

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

Donna: Oh my God, you are such a sore loser.
Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April