Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

They do seem to, as they say, keep it "100."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?

Hello, Joe. My name is Ron Swanson. I am Donna’s work-proximity associate.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Ron: Anne was getting a little chummy. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a really nice move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome Lester.

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tired to deliver me a package.