You think I would carry around pictures of my child where anyone could see them?

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

Ben: I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron: It's called the "ground" when it's outside.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

Leslie: We have a criminal emergency on our hands. Someone planted a gateway drug in the community garden.
Ron: Call the cops.
Leslie: Then it will leak to the press. Then there will be an investigation, and they'll find my fingerprints on the manure, and then we'll lose our funding.
Ron: You don't have funding.
Leslie: We never will if this gets out.

Leslie: Ron! Did you get my text?
Ron: No.
Leslie: Did you get my email?
Ron: Mmm.
Leslie: Did you see that I paged you?
Ron: I did not.
Leslie: Did you get my voicemail?
Ron: I didn't.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Last week I was in clue in the Pawnee paper crossword puzzle. The clue? "Who's the worst?"

Leslie

Was it Putin? Voldemort Putin? Of Russia?

Andy