Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Ron: I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

Parks & Rec Quotes

I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.

Leslie

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.

Andy