Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Ron: Anne was getting a little chummy. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a really nice move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome Lester.

There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Andy: There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.