Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

Ron: You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Ben: Newspaper headline was "Ice Town costs ice clown his town crown."
Leslie: Yuck.
Ben: They were big into rhymes.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!