Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Ron: You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Ron: Anne was getting a little chummy. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a really nice move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome Lester.

Ron: She's here.
Leslie: Who's here?
Ron: My ex-wife Tammy 2. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.