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Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.
Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.
Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.
- Permalink: Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.
There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
- Permalink: There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
Tom put all my records into this rectangle!
- Permalink: Tom put all my records into this rectangle!
I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.
Ben: Today is Leslie’s last day as a counselor, so everyone needs to be extra supportive.
Ron: Already done. When I walked past her this morning, I gave her a kind nod.
Chris: Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.
Ron: Wonderful. First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. I have used 9. You have used 20.
Donna: Oh my God, you are such a sore loser.
Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.
I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.
- Permalink: I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride ho...
Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
- Permalink: Lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.
- Permalink: I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I...