He now has that look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or…he pooped. Either way, I’ve never been prouder.

My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.

I’d like to introduce you to my son. John, middle name redacted, Swanson.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.

Children are terrible artists and artists are crooks.

There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.

Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Ben: Today is Leslie’s last day as a counselor, so everyone needs to be extra supportive.
Ron: Already done. When I walked past her this morning, I gave her a kind nod.

Chris: Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.
Ron: Wonderful. First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. I have used 9. You have used 20.