Tom-cat, pull up a mouth. This buffet is unstoppable.

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Ron: This seems like none of our business.
Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."
April: That was a really good Ron.
Leslie: Thank you.

They'll only talk to you or me. And I can't go, because I don't want to.

Leslie: Look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you.
Ron: Sure, how about you shoot me in the head. Oh wait, you already did that.

Ron: When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth French kissing a dog. Is that normal?
Ann: Well, the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps.

And just like that. The one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls.
Ron: Is this-is this not rap?
Leslie: Come on.

Andy: Do you have a key in your shoe?
Ron: No, no. I have a bunion that's practically it's own toe. Normally the pain howls through my loafers like a banshee on the moors, but these past three minutes its been reduced to a faint growl.

I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

Ron: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
Leslie: She works for the library.
Ron: She works for the library.