The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBS
The big bang theory
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Professor Sharpe: Yeah, he wrote down everything he ever ate. He was convinced that calorie restriction was the key to living forever.
Raj: Does it work?
Howard: Seriously?
Raj: Well, he could have been hit by a bus. You don't know.

Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favorite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.

Amy: Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on?
Sheldon as Betsy Ross: I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.
Amy: Then who did sew it, hmm?
Sheldon as Betsy Ross: Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress whose descendants are...out to make a quick buck!

Sheldon: Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "The final episode? Who will stand between us and flag ignorance""
Amy: I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?
Sheldon: But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.
Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. So as they say, all good things must come to an end.

I can't send it back. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."

Leonard: Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn't even want you there.
Sheldon: Wow. I don't know which hurts worse-- my nose or my heart.

Penny: Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being
a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.
Penny: Really? You won't even say "A"?
Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won't.

Sheldon: I assume this medical center's already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.
Penny: 'Cause I'm a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That's for the fire marshal to determine.

Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike,wouldn't you die, too?
Sheldon: I don't know-- I'm smart and scrappy, I think I'd find a way.

Leonard: Buddy, I-I get that you're worried about me and I-I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Leonard: Well... I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.
Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery...the snoring is gone.
Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.

Sheldon: I'm listening to you snore. I'm wondering how I'll ever sleep without it.
Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here
staring at me like the albino boogeyman?
Sheldon: Really, Leonard-- insults? After I spent two hours in your closet waiting for you to fall asleep?

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 760 in total

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch.

Sheldon