Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXSterling Archer Quotes
Archer: She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.
Lana: No, she looks like she's just turning 18.
Archer: Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...
Lana: Gestad? Count me in!
Archer: And me out. I'm not getting frost bite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter Anka.
Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her. Constantly. I will that someone who's constantly on her.
Videotex? Wow, growth industry.
Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer, you think this is a game?
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game.
Sterling Archer: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? (throws glass tumbler into decanter)
Malory Archer: I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
Sterling Archer: Well you just destroyed my innocence!
Malory Archer: Oh Please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling Archer: Twelve.
Archer: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a...
Archer: Grill cheese.
Malory: What?
Archer: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Archer: (Begins sobbing)
(Trying to figure out who Archers father is)
Archer: And just who might my dad be?
Malory: Gene Krupa, no wait... not Krupa... the other one, the one with Teeth......Buddy Rich.
Archer: (shocked) What?
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Archer: (furious) COULD YOU SAY NO TO ANYONE!!?
(Malory vicously slaps him across face and glares)
Malory: (glowering) I said no to plenty.
Malory: This is why I can't have nice things
Archer: Why, because you shoot them?
(While chasing a rouge agent)
Archer: O.D.I.N. doesn't beat Sterling Archer, only Archer beats...
(The car stops in the Town Square, the Agent nowhere in sight)
Lana: Didja, wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Didja, wanna shut your negative (sturggles to think of insult) bad wordsy mouth!?
Cyril: Archer?
Archer: Cyril? What are you...
Cyril:(interrupting) I think I need your help, I think I'm losing it here, man.
Archer: What gave it away, my mother's robe?(furious) Why are you wearing my mother's robe?
Cyril: I can explain this!
Archer: I don't think I want you to!
Cyril: See, it all started when you and Lana were...
Archer:(Interrupting) Cyril, you should tell her this.
Cyril: I tried, but you were naked, and it was all vulva this and...
Archer: Yeah, yeah, and as you stand here, d*ck and/or balls being caressed by my mother's robe(ugh), Lana is waiting for you.
Cyril: Really, where?
Archer: The Led Zeppelin suite.
(pause)
Cyril: There's a Von Zeppelin suite
Archer: Which I'm sure is what I meant.
Cyril: Thanks, Archer, you're the best! (Hurries off)
Archer: I know
Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...
(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....
