Favorite Ted Buckland Quotes
J.D.: We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples...
Ted: Why should they be happy!?
I'm not what you call a winner... sure I'm a lawyer but that's only becaus I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws and most of them are when you can and cannot kill... seals.
Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story! Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."
Ted:Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It's garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!
Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.
Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm
Dr. Kelso: (on the phone) Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
J.D.: Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
Doug: He's okay.
Laverne: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though; oh, yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one'll ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty; but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, Ted. I meant to tell you eight months ago, all those days of vacation you saved up expire riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...now!
Ted: But sir! I was going to visit The Alamo with the guys from my public sp-speaking class!
Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Ted and Gooch: Aww, thank you.
Kelso: Not you, Ted.
Kelso: If I were ten years younger, and you were tens year younger.
Ted: It's too late, sir, I already tapped it.
Carla: Bambi, I warned you about getting caught up in Dr. Cox's wake. But does he listen?
Laverne: You'd think so, with those ears.
J.D.: Uncalled for, okay? Listen, it's different this time. He showed up
at my place.
Carla: He's showed up at my house before.
Laverne: Showed up at my momma's on Mother's Day.
Ted: Ruined my wedding
