How I Met Your Mother

Ted Mosby Quotes

Ted: I would open a vein in my arm if I could bleed that locket out, just to make her happy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Indiana Jones wouldn't look at this body. This is a body that would melt a Nazi's face.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Ted what is my one rule?
Ted: You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Flax seed relieves upset stomach?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Labanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there.
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: New is always better!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Oh boy that was a crazy story.
Barney: Oh boy, yeah I remember.
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: Ted, bubala, if you have a crazy story, I was there. It's just the law of the universe.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Ted: That's weird, I have a message.
Marshall: That's weird, you still have an answering machine.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily: I am so happy right now.
Marshall: I want to see her throw her life away so badly.
Ted: We're all terrible people. Turn it up.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: She's John Cusack, I'm Ione Skye and there is nothing weird about that!
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: There's a fine line between love and insanity.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Lily! I'm eating chili. I'm eating chili Lily!
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you and I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. I have no regrets because it led me to something I wouldn't trade for the world, it led to you being my friend. So as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself. I say to you, from the heart, get the hell out of this car.
 • Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

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