Scrubs

The Janitor Quotes

Ted: This salad taste like sun screen
Janitor: That's because you put sun screen on it
Ted [tastes face]: Ahh! I put ranch on my face!
 • Rating: Unrated

Janitor: You know you shouldn't throw produce, it's dangerous, I had a cousin that was killed by a head of lettuce. True story. Well not the head of lettuce itself so much as the pack of sewer rabbits he stole it from
 • Rating: Unrated

Janitor: I never want to have kids, I just want to adopt a short old guy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Janitor [to Carla]: I think we should just get this out in the open. I saw you pluck your special hair the other day. I was there, I saw. Question is, what are we going to do about it? I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good. I believe that you should give me the hair. Because I have been scrapbooking the most disgusting things that I could think of and I want to put it on the page in between my decayed molars and a snug, which is, a snail-slug hybrid that I was able to splice together in my garage. Unsuccessfully
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Janitor [to Carla]: Unfortunately for you, my lady, I saw what I saw. You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes
 • Rating: Unrated

Janitor [to Carla]: Head games aren't going to work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7.45 a.m. At 7.50 a.m. I took a nap. At 2.45 p.m. I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair off of your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home. Couldn't sleep a wink. Damnedest
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: So, how are you holding up?
Janitor: Cleaning's an art. My mop is my paintbrush.
 • Rating: Unrated

Carla: J.D.? The Janitor got fired.
Janitor: Oh, it's okay. He knows, he just doesn't care. See, in his mind I'm the bad guy in our relationship, even though if he stopped to think about it for a minute, he'd realize I never did a thing to him he didn't deserve
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: You locked me in a water tower.
Janitor: You were out on the wall.
J.D.: You destroyed my scooter, Sacha.
Janitor: You know I don't like Wednesdays.
J.D.: You haunted my pediatric patients.
Janitor: You didn't wear the shorts that my imaginary wife made for you
 • Rating: Unrated

# Dr. Cox: I am getting rid of Maddox. Who's in?
Janitor: I'm in. Ever since she fired me I've been moping around my apartment making barking sounds. I'm not crazy, I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell 'shut that damn thing up'. Then I can go over there with a bottle of scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary echida. The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her, much less make love. You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you?
Dr. Cox: We have not, no.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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