McGee: How do you sleep at night?!
Torres: On my back. Naked.

McGee: Office equipment is your friend.
Torres: It's a bad friend, the one you lend money to and never pays you back!

Well, we don't have a firm date yet, but we plan on saving money on the invitations just by telling Bishop, and everyone will show!

McGee [on his wedding]

Eleanor Bishop, will you be my Frodo?

My burger's getting cold, and you're hitting on Yoga Lady!

Abby: Hey Tony.
McGee: Vance got a call.
Tony: Ziva. Are we sure?
McGee: I'm so sorry, Tony.

Gibbs: Freeze!
Kort: Old friends, and new. But not the one I expected.
Tony: I'm here.
Kort: DiNozzo. I had no idea she'd be in the farmhouse. You know that.
Tony: Do I?
Kort: There's nothing personal. Strictly business.
McGee: It is personal. It's Ziva.
Tony: She was my family.

McGee: What's our next move, boss?
Gibbs: We're going to find Jacob Scott. We're going to kill him.

Monroe: Now I want you tell me that one more time. How you won that money at the races. Can you do that? See, you just open your mouth [Monroe gets in close and rubs her hands up his torso] and say "I won that money, fifty grand, betting on the horses." Can you do that for me? Please?
Kane: Then what happens?
Reeves: I can't wait to find out.
McGee: Same here.
Kane: I didn't get that fifty grand from betting the horses.
Monroe: Good boy.

Abby: McGee, I want to celebrate that you can light up a room as fast as you can ping a phone.
McGee: Well thanks!
Abby: Hashtag: living rocks.
Gibbs: Hashtag get to the point.
Abby: Oh my God, Gibbs. You just used the word hashtag in a sentence

McGee: I figured it out.
Tony: Where the bad guys are hiding?
McGee: No, your apartment. The giveaway was the fact that Gibbs, Fornell and Abby knew about it. So I figured it was case related.
Tony: Good guess, Inspector Clouseau.
McGee: Not a guess. Your apartment was the scene of a triple homicide.
Tony: Amazing what a good paint job will do. Previous owners hacked up the body with an electric carving knife.

McGee: You know, the fact that so much time has passed now, you don't even have to disclose those deaths when you sell.
Tony: Wait, is that true?

NCIS Quotes

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.