Tom: What is this?
Leslie: It is a mix CD. It's full of songs about people watching people ... it's mostly Sting.

Tom: [on his name] I changed it to Tom Haverford. Because brown guys with funny sounding Muslim names don't make it far in politics.
Leslie: What about Barack Obama?
Tom: Okay. Yeah. Fine. Barack Obama.

I've seen so many dudes from City Hall here tonight, it's crazy! [pause] But, I guess they've seen me here too. Which is not so great.

Leslie: I know you're not gay.
Tom: No, I'm not.
Leslie: But you're effeminate.
Tom: What?
Leslie: Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it.
Tom: That's because it was featured in Details magazine, and it's awesome.

Leslie: They thought that was a political gesture? No one eat that. Tom, step into my office.
Tom: It's also my office.
Leslie: Whatever.

Leslie Knope: When I go through these doors, I need to be "on", like the White House Press Secretary. Are you ready?
Tom Haverford: Yes.
Leslie Knope: OK! Here we go! (pulls on the door, looks into the camera) It's locked.

Jim: I love Great lakes wine.
Tom: You can have the wine. I'm wanna take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.

Wendy: How did Leslie meet her boyfriend?
Tom: She used to read him books at the senior center.
Beth: Wow. How old is he?
Tom: He's 6, but he has Benjamin Button disease.

Leslie: Tom Haverford. Boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.
Tom: That's kind of a weird way to describe me.

You know, normally I don't agree with Leslie about anything, but this book is awesome.

Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll Up. She, one time, made out with the water delivery guy. In her office. On Halloween, she was dressed up as Batman. Not Batgirl; Batman. And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside. And it is my favorite thing in the world.