Tom Haverford Quotes (Page 19)
Season 2, Episode 4: "The Practice Date"
Mark: Why does anyone want to run for public office, you're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom: Not if you're squeaky clean like me.
Mark: You're married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah but never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just never enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!
• Rating: Unrated
Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 2, Episode 3: "Beauty Pageant"
Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?
• Rating: 4.5 / 5.0
Season 2, Episode 2: "The Stakeout"
Leslie: What kind of spice is this?
Tom: The best way to figure out what kind of spice THAT is ... is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.
• Rating: Unrated
Leslie: All that matters is that Ann and Mark got home okay. That Ann went back to her home and Mark went back to his home. That they're both at their homes, and-
Tom: Leslie. Mark's an idiot. You can do better than him.
Leslie: Aww. Thanks Tom.
Tom: I don't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.
• Rating: Unrated
Tom: What is this?
Leslie: It is a mix CD. It's full of songs about people watching people ... it's mostly Sting.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Tom: [on his name] I changed it to Tom Haverford. Because brown guys with funny sounding Muslim names don't make it far in politics.
Leslie: What about Barack Obama?
Tom: Okay. Yeah. Fine. Barack Obama.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 2, Episode 1: "Pawnee Zoo"
Tom: I've seen so many dudes from City Hall here tonight, it's crazy! [pause] But, I guess they've seen me here too. Which is not so great.
• Rating: Unrated
Leslie: I know you're not gay.
Tom: No, I'm not.
Leslie: But you're effeminate.
Tom: What?
Leslie: Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it.
Tom: That's because it was featured in Details magazine, and it's awesome.
• Rating: Unrated
Leslie: They thought that was a political gesture? No one eat that. Tom, step into my office.
Tom: It's also my office.
Leslie: Whatever.
• Rating: Unrated
Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!
Total Quotes: 197