Leslie: Let's look at the pros and cons.
Ann: Pro, we can fill in the pit and build a park.
Leslie: Con, we might be filling it in with dirty money.
Tom: Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money.
Leslie: Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.
Mark: We can fill in the pit.
Leslie: Con, Ann already said that. Pro and con never works.
Tom: Pro, yes it does.

Leslie: I'm gonna return the money.
Tom: Are you crazy? You could buy a low-end Lexus with that money.
Ann: Or you could build a park with that money.

Leslie: Look, I know these guys didn't turn out to be exactly how we thought they would be.
Tom: You said they might not know what toilet paper is.
Leslie: I'm calling inaudible.

Elvis: Do we just, uh, select the woman we desire? I will take the large, black one.
Tom: Interesting choice.

Leslie: Our photo op with the mayor is tomorrow at 3 p.m., so I'm gonna need your suggestions about my wardrobe asap.
Tom: I told you, gold sequin sweatpants.

Mark: Why does anyone want to run for public office, you're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom: Not if you're squeaky clean like me.
Mark: You're married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah but never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just never enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

Tom: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?

Tom: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal if breakfast cereal.
Donna: I love breakfast cereal.

Leslie: What kind of spice is this?
Tom: The best way to figure out what kind of spice THAT is ... is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

Leslie: All that matters is that Ann and Mark got home okay. That Ann went back to her home and Mark went back to his home. That they're both at their homes, and-
Tom: Leslie. Mark's an idiot. You can do better than him.
Leslie: Aww. Thanks Tom.
Tom: I don't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.