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Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. You've been outside.

Winston: Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Nick: But what do friends do when the other friend is taking a shower with a cat?

Schmidt: Camping?
Winston: Like we're animals?!

Have I ever made any decisions in my whole life? Are we just living in the mind of a giant?

I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia.

Winston: So...where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston. So naive, so sweet. We do the marketing EVERYWHERE!

Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated, unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.

Nick, we will talk about this in the morning. But, first, I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl

Girl, I got an obligation...at a...sandwich...meeting.

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