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New-girl

Jess: I just want to warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.

Somehow, I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation. And I got that menstruation inside of me!

Winston: Schmidt is tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed — lining your shoes up at the door.
Nick: Don't line my shoes up at the door.
Winston: Recording your favorite shows. The turn-down service.
Nick: The turn-down service is weird, and I never asked you to do that.
Schmidt: Well I guess those chocolate mints just disappeared on their own.

That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a piece of his heart.

Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!

Winston: You, my friend, have become her fluffer.
Nick: Like in porn?
Winston: Her emotional fluffer!

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in the desert I don't want him to wander.

Boobies. Girls with clean hair. Models eating sliders. Bernadette Peters on a high beam. Freshly baked bread.

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