I'm saying, adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child, is everything that I need, but if that's not enough for you tell me now.


Why can't we just paint each others' toe nails, watch vintage pornography, and then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple?


It was Harold, and I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie. I ate him sir! I ate my father pig!


I got other ideas...like a micro brewery that also serves frozen yogurt. I'm a call it, Microsoft.


Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.


Jack: You're the only one bank rolling this? What about Brown and Folderson?
Tracy: That's what I call my wallet.

Hey get a room! Whatever that is.


Anyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.


Also, in the background I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.

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