Accidentally on Purpose

Accidentally on Purpose Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 4: "The Date"

Davis [about Billie and Zack]: Don't stress him out. She's not gonna try to marry him. She's just gonna mold him into a boring funless drone whose sole purpose in life is to accompany her to the fabric store! I mean, Shark Week? That's canceled. Peeing in the sink, finished! [to Zack]: I mean, she's gonna have your balls in a bear trap. But other than that, you are all good!
 • Rating: Unrated

Olivia: [James] mailed you the box? Ohh, that is the work of a breakup master!
Billie: So I've heard. Why did I date the breakup master? Why can't I meet the relationship master?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 3: "One Night Stand"

Zack: The reason I didn't sleep with you... is because I had an orange penis.
Billie: Wow, I was imagining how you were going to finish what you're saying, but 'orange penis' is not where I was going
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: Do you have some sort of bugging device?
James: What are you talking about?
Billie: You wait until Brian starts talking to me, then you pop up like a zit on prom night
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Abby [to Billie]: You didn't call me before you tried to seduce [Zack] because you know that I think you should have a real relationship with him. You didn't want to hear that, so you called the bad idea lady [points to Olivia]
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: I'm thinking of sleeping with Zack. My brain says it's a bad idea, but it's being outvoted by every cell in my body. Is sleeping with him right now desperate or empowering?
Olivia: Is he passed out?
Billie: No.
Olivia: Empowering!
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: I don't know any other way to put this, but I have happy feelings in my downstairs area
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: Did you see that? There I was being flirted with by a handsome married man who's kind of my imaginary boyfriend and James totally booty-blocked me!
 • Rating: Unrated

Davis [to Zack]: Dude, you do have a toy you can play with. Just take more trips downtown on the alone train. Have an all-by-yourself party! Be a one-man band
 • Rating: Unrated

Davis [to Billie's breasts]: And good morning to you. And good morning to you.
Billie: I see you've noticed my recent pregnancy gift from the boob fairy.
Davis: That's such a better job than being the tooth fairy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 2: "Memento"

Zack: [Billie's] douche ex-boyfriend got me thinking that I am way over my head.
Dr. Roland: Well, douche ex-boyfriends are known for their wisdom
 • Rating: Unrated

Davis: Actually, I enjoy the word jumble. I think I'd be really good at writing those.
James: Are you finished?
Davis: You mean, am I ifnished?
 • Rating: Unrated

Olivia [to Davis]: Maybe I should just put a bag over your head, drive you to the middle of the woods, and we can talk there
 • Rating: Unrated

Ryan: You're gonna close your eyes. We're gonna spin you around. Now, whoever you take a picture of, you gotta try and nail.
Zack: Wait, wait, wha-- what if it's a dude?
Davis: Just look interested in what he's saying. Guys looove that
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: I tossed [Zack's] room.
Abby: You did not!
Billie: Oh, but I did. I tossed it like a prison guard looking for crack
 • Rating: Unrated

Billie: Are people staring at me because I just broke up with the boss and accidentally got impregnated by a 22-year-old on a futon? Or, and this is the one I want you to say, because my hair turned out all bouncy and fun?
Olivia: Actually, people are staring 'cause you've got a great big hunk of cream cheese on your boob
 • Rating: Unrated

Zack: Can you believe that guy?
Davis: Yeah, he's like a really handsome Darth Vader
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot"

Billie: I have to think of my future. I want a husband one day. One with a checking account and... a toothbrush he acquired via purchase rather than "dibs."
 • Rating: Unrated

Zack: You said you were thirty-two.
Billie: That was when I thought I was never going to see you again
 • Rating: Unrated

Abby: Didn't you use condoms?
Billie: I guess it turns out they're not 100% effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.
Olivia: Billie, Billie, Billie, always use a condom... and an alias
 • Rating: Unrated

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