Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Krieger: Coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter and preferably fair trade.

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

Hmm. Cock flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on the board! Let me see cock-flavored spit!

Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.

I am literally wet with jealousy.

Lana

Malory: Lana, you go straight to Moscow.
Lana: Undercover?
Malory: Of course undercover.
Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?

Pam: What a hunk
Cheryl: Total sploosh.
Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.
Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up! We're going to go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Gilette: I just this second realize why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp weapons on the ward. They were really strict about that.

I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 541 in total

Archer Quotes

Bloody mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Archer

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

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