Krieger: Coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter and preferably fair trade.

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.

Hmm. Cock flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on the board! Let me see cock-flavored spit!

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.

Ouch, my earballs.

Cheryl

First of all, it's Dr. I'll Solve Your Ant Problem.

Krieger

Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up! We're going to go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Gilette: I just this second realize why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp weapons on the ward. They were really strict about that.

I am literally wet with jealousy.

Lana

Malory: Lana, you go straight to Moscow.
Lana: Undercover?
Malory: Of course undercover.
Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?

Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.

Archer Quotes

I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

Pam

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?