Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Krieger: Coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter and preferably fair trade.

Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!

Hmm. Cock flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on the board! Let me see cock-flavored spit!

Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Archer: Barry, wait, slow down!
Barry: Why?
Archer: So I can go past you!

I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.

Who taught you to punch, your husband?

Pam

I am literally wet with jealousy.

Lana

Archer: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: You have a shoemaker?
Archer: Do you not?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin! For the last time assholes, my name is....Shazam! How do you not remember that show?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 541 in total

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.