Lana: Have you at least babyproofed this place?
Archer: I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

• Permalink: I don't think a baby can hurt anything
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Archer: Lana, go. AJ's in good hands. I know what I'm doing. I've read 10 of the Babysitter's Club books.
Lana: Really?
Archer: Yeah, I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia.

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Slater: Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
Archer: Huh? Oh, no, no, just that one phrase.
Farouk: The only phrase you know in Urdu is "No shit, you goat-raping pig devil."
Archer: What?! I thought it meant "I'm sorry." Huh, probably why that night in Karachi went from pretty bad to much worse.
Slater: I'm gonna stop you there.
Archer: Probably someone should. There's a baby.

• Permalink: Probably someone should. There's a baby.
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Cyril: And basically the only thing that keeps you from murdering each other is a lack of access to fire arms.
Pam: Works for Canada.
Cheryl: Nothing works for Canada.

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Guys, come on. Can't we have one poker night without a hate crime?

Cyril

• Permalink: Guys, come on. Can't we have one poker night without a hate crime?
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Cheryl: Let me guess, you're all butthurt because you hired some Pakistani dude to shoot you so you went to Vegas and now you're drunk and broke outside a casino and you want me to wire a $1000 to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
Archer: Ok, I'm gonna list everything you said that's totally wrong. A) I'm not outside a casino so.......

• Permalink: and you want me to wire a $1000 to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
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Ray: Good morning, this is Captian Ray Gillette welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. Flight time to Branson is about 3 hours--
Archer: No it isn't!
Ray: Shut up, and in the meantime..

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Cheryl: See what? What's Area 51?
Pam: What's Area--, are you shitting me? Everybody knows about Area 51.
Archer: Yeah, even me, and I didn't know they made shoes out of cornbread.

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Archer: I'm serious, just radio Lieutenant Colonel. He can straighten this whole thing out.
Military Commander: Lieutenant Colonel who?
Archer: This is embarrassing but I thought his last name was colonel.

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What is this Myrtle Beach? (pauses) Ray, is this Myrtle Beach?

Cheryl

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Pam: Can we talk for a second?
Cyril: Is that before Krieger sexually assaulted a 220 outlet. (group laughs)

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Lana: Daddy, tell us about your research.
Lem Kane: Well, algae is always challenging.
Archer: Yeah, just ask a flip-flop.

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