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You're so desperate to score points with the company, you're trying to hire this hot, sexy woman, even though you know it would destroy Lem. Yes, I think you're sexy. Yes, I don't have a lot of grown-up drinks, and yes, I wish I had a third yes. And, yes, I don't.

Phil

If you join the Veridian team, you would have access to unmatched scientific resources, from hydro-perlation nongravitational calibrations, to executives who only know the name of one cool thing but will stay out of your way.

Ted

Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.

Veronica

Linda, just listen to yourself. Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.

Veronica

Rose: If you think about it, it's not hard to figure out what people want, especially if they tell you over and over about it again.
Ted: We're not getting a motorcycle with a sidecar. It's just not practical.
Rose: We'll see.

Lem: Your breakthroughs in weapons technology have made warfare exponentially more horrifying.
Dr. Bhamba: Well... I don't know about that. It takes a village to kill a village.

Lem: She's always reminding me that while she's unlocking the secrets of the universe, I'm trying to design a toaster that can handle a pizza bagel.
Dr. Bhamba: That would be a boon to both Jews and Italians.

Dr. Bhamba: Why are you looking up my mother's Facebook page?
Lem: I'm going to find her, seduce her, and make sensitive yet vigorous love to her.
Dr. Bhamba: Well, that's the one thing we haven't tried to get her out of her coma.

Ted: Okay! Everybody's here.
Linda: Okay! Everybody's here.
Ted: I know you're co-leading this, but that doesn't mean just repeating what I say.
Linda: Maybe you're repeating what I say just before I get a chance to say it.

Veronica: I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away--even when she so she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Veronica: I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

Stella: What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers or a remote control for their underpants?
Lem: We're not making a cheeseburger helmet. They pulled the plug after it fed one of the test subjects to death.

Lem: Mommy?
Stella: Hello, sweetheart. How was your day at the crap factory?
Lem: You know, sometimes I feel that you judge what I do.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 16 in total

Better Off Ted Season 2 Episode 3 Quotes

Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.

Ted

The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.

Ted
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