You're so desperate to score points with the company, you're trying to hire this hot, sexy woman, even though you know it would destroy Lem. Yes, I think you're sexy. Yes, I don't have a lot of grown-up drinks, and yes, I wish I had a third yes. And, yes, I don't.


If you join the Veridian team, you would have access to unmatched scientific resources, from hydro-perlation nongravitational calibrations, to executives who only know the name of one cool thing but will stay out of your way.


Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.


Linda, just listen to yourself. Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.


Rose: If you think about it, it's not hard to figure out what people want, especially if they tell you over and over about it again.
Ted: We're not getting a motorcycle with a sidecar. It's just not practical.
Rose: We'll see.

Lem: Your breakthroughs in weapons technology have made warfare exponentially more horrifying.
Dr. Bhamba: Well... I don't know about that. It takes a village to kill a village.

Lem: She's always reminding me that while she's unlocking the secrets of the universe, I'm trying to design a toaster that can handle a pizza bagel.
Dr. Bhamba: That would be a boon to both Jews and Italians.

Dr. Bhamba: Why are you looking up my mother's Facebook page?
Lem: I'm going to find her, seduce her, and make sensitive yet vigorous love to her.
Dr. Bhamba: Well, that's the one thing we haven't tried to get her out of her coma.

Ted: Okay! Everybody's here.
Linda: Okay! Everybody's here.
Ted: I know you're co-leading this, but that doesn't mean just repeating what I say.
Linda: Maybe you're repeating what I say just before I get a chance to say it.

Veronica: I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away--even when she so she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Veronica: I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

Stella: What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers or a remote control for their underpants?
Lem: We're not making a cheeseburger helmet. They pulled the plug after it fed one of the test subjects to death.

Lem: Mommy?
Stella: Hello, sweetheart. How was your day at the crap factory?
Lem: You know, sometimes I feel that you judge what I do.

Better Off Ted Season 2 Episode 3 Quotes

Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.


The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.