Better Off Ted

Better Off Ted Quotes

Season 2 Episode 11: "Mess of a Salesman"

Phil and Lem: Deal with it!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Linda [to Veronica]: When you do care, you care one hundred and crazy percent.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Do you know how many times I didn't get laid in college because girls don't like getting hissed at by a jealous possum?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Billy: If you tell anyone I did you a solid, I will tear off your head and tinkle in your skull!
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: That's right, once a month they send us a new cadaver whether we're finished with the old one or not.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Saddle up, Linda! And say goodbye to common sense.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Veronica: The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Linda: I had an aunt who fought a cow for beer money once. The cow never forgave her.
 • Rating: Unrated

Billy: Hey, are those fresh nuts?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Bang zoom! I'm getting a muffin!
 • Rating: Unrated

Commercial: The Veridian Foundation... helping the world then telling people about it makes us feel so good. The Veridian Foundation... Helping people. By telling people we're helping the world.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Season 2 Episode 10: "Lust in Translation"

Lem: These super-bagels are terrible. You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
Phil: That's because they're 98% high impact carbon. Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: And congratulations to you for falling through the ceiling in a metal tube and winning that game. That's gotta feel good.
Veronica: You're gonna have to speak up. I'm temporarily deaf in one ear. As you may know, I fell through the ceiling in a metal tube. But at least I won that game, and that feels good.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: Are you sure we're doing the right thing?
Lem: I've never been so sure about being unsure of anything in my life.
Phil: Good. Then we're on the same page. Let's do it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lem: Maybe we should take a stand. Maybe we should say this is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Phil: Or maybe we say that the next thing we make must not be used for evil, but this one with we're fine with. And maybe the next one after that. But someday, they will push us too far, and the next time after that..
Lem: No, the time is now. 12:35. Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes and then commit to something.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: What are you afraid of? If you... if you throw a game, it's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters hall of fame?
Linda: No. My position there is secure from getting my art history degree.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Ted: It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties when Phi keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Ted: Yes, you said that a lot last night.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Phil, why on earth would you use your voice for the translator device?
Phil: It was the fastest way to fix it, since we already had my voice in the computer from that failed talking frying pan project.
Lem: Stupid thing wouldn't stop screaming when you put it on the burner.
Phil: Plus, it was very critical. "You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: I saw what was going on in there between you and Fraulein Cheekbones. When you show her around town, keep your Hansels off her Gretels.
Ted: I was just being friendly.
Veronica: I'm serous, Ted. This deal is too important and sex can screw things up. Why do you think the Three Stooges went through so many Curlys?
 • Rating: Unrated

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