Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou

It's about a guy trying to keep it together while falling apart.

Eddie

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank

Marcy Runkle: You can have the ass if you want.
Charlie Runkle: You can keep it.

To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?

Hank Moody

Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody

Hank Moody: Oh, look at the time: The big hand says F**k, and the little hand says Off. Good thing there's not a second hand. I'm going in.

Radio Show Host: What's your latest obsession?
Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

I just get so lonely sometimes. I need a hug for a moment and the moment passes. I'm good. Smell you later.

Hank Moody

She's got a nose ring, too. You know what that means.

Hank Moody

You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

Hank Moody

Californication Quotes

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody

Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank Moody