Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes (Page 11)

Season 1 Episode 2: "Ah, But Underneath"

Paul [about Mary Alice]: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son, and I'll never forgive her
 • Rating: Unrated

Mike: Actually, he was my wife's dog and one of the last things she said to me in the hospital before she died was to be sure I looked after him and I promised her I would.
Mary Alice [narrating]: And just like that Susan could suddenly see something she had never seen before.
Mike: He meant so much to her.
Mary Alice: Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife.
Mike: And if something had happened I would have felt like I failed her. I know that sounds stupid but-
Mary Alice: And she knew right then that neither she nor Edie would be laying claim to his heart anytime soon.
Susan: No it doesn't. Not at all.
Mary Alice: So she decided, for now, she could settle for just being his friend
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot"

Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mary Alice: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Gabrielle: This table is hand carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $22,000.
John: So, you wanna do it on the table this time?
Gabrielle: Absolutely
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Gabrielle: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Susan: How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie: You look fine.
Susan: If you could cut back to two meals a day, I could get a chemical peel
 • Rating: Unrated

John: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.
John: Hey, can I have a drag?
Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke
 • Rating: Unrated

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree
 • Rating: Unrated

Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up
 • Rating: Unrated

Carlos: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Gabrielle: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
Carlos: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him
 • Rating: Unrated

Carlos: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.
Gabrielle: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation
 • Rating: Unrated

Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: I have a clog.
Mike: Excuse me?
Susan: And you're a plumber, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: The clog's in the pipe.
Mike: Yeah, that's usually where they are
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike: Why?
Susan: I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
Mike: Oh my God. How did you...it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan: Yeah, I get that a lot
 • Rating: Unrated

Julie: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex? Are you mad that I asked you that?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.... I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out
 • Rating: Unrated

Julie: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
Susan: You're right... So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes.
Julie: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Susan: Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
Julie: You were using me to hurt dad.
Susan: Oh, that's right
 • Rating: Unrated

Susan: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
Julie: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
[Susan gives her a look]
Julie: You're right. They're doing it
 • Rating: Unrated

Julie: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Susan: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
Julie: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Susan: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
Julie:Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
Susan: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example
 • Rating: Unrated

Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind
 • Rating: Unrated

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