Gabrielle: Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me.
John: How's that going to help?
Gabrielle: Because one day, when the time is right, I'm gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms. And that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.

Bree: Porter, what did I tell you?
Porter: But I'm hungry.
Bree: Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.
Porter: Ew, barf.
Bree: Don't be common, young man

Gabrielle: What's that?
Carlos: It's called a post-nuptual agreement. It's a legal document that...
Gabrielle: No, I know what a post-nup is. What is it doing on my coffee table?
Carlos: Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check...if I'm sure that you're really going to be around when I get out of jail.
Gabrielle: And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup. So...
Carlos: So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing.
Gabrielle: You don't trust me?
Carlos: I'm afraid not

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently. Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week's time, she'd be pregnant

Mary Alice

Children come into the world with their own agendas. Some to brighten our days, some to test our patience, some to give us purpose, some to take care of us. Yes, when they come children change everything. Especially when they're not invited

Mary Alice

Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us and, then...
Lynette: We're screwed.
Tom: Exactly

Gabrielle: What?
Carlos: You never liked Mama.
Gabrielle: Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it.
Carlos: She loved you.
Gabrielle: She treated me like trash! God rest her soul.
Carlos: I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies.
Gabrielle: Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot.
Carlos: She was a queen

Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen

Bree

Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito

Bree: Camp Hennessy. Teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere.
Rex: The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence!
Bree: Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries

Edie [to Bill]: Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.
Susan: You tracked us down.
Edie: Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan.
Susan: No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
Edie: I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Bill: Am I in the middle of something here?
Edie: Not anymore. You... (to Susan) ...I will hate forever. And you... (to Bill) ...are fired.
Susan: Edie!
Bill: You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
Edie: Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it

Bree: Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.
Andrew: Sure.
Bree: Now, not five hours from now.
Andrew: I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks."
Bree: No!
Andrew: What?
Bree: You no longer get an allowance.
Andrew: Fine. I'm not taking out the trash

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Susan: You can afford a cabin but you can't scrape up child support?
Karl: The check's in the mail.
Susan: Uh...[checks mailbox] No, it's not

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you