Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 1 Episode 16: "The Ladies Who Lunch"

Rex: Everybody's staring. Bree, it's humiliating.
Bree: Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbon's nightstand
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.
Gabrielle: Obviously someone who is not getting it at home
 • Rating: Unrated

Maisy: I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Yes, everyone loves a scandal no matter how big or small. After all, what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty? What could be more amusing than the pubic exposure of hypocritical sinners? Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one, well, the next one is always around the corner
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 15: "Impossible"

Bree: So what are you saying, the twins killed Martha?
Lynette: Well, I wouldn't put it past them
 • Rating: Unrated

John: Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
John: Sure. So, what can I do for you?
Bree: Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Susan: Oh, God, you scared me.
Mike: How'd it go?
Susan: It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking.
Mike: Susan...
Susan: How could you? God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Yes, of course I do." Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there.
Mike: Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--
Susan: Stop! Stop, Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Justin: I want to do you a favor.
Gabrielle: What kind of favor?
Justin: Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free.
Gabrielle: You want to mow my lawn for free?
Justin: Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you.
Gabrielle: That's very generous of you, but I don't think so.
Justin: Why?
Gabrielle: Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.
Justin: Well, this is a beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention.
Gabrielle: I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Justin: Mrs. Solis, please.
Gabrielle: Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest.
Justin: Oh?
Gabrielle: He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Andrew is still a child.
Rex: He's sixteen. It's not unheard of.
Bree: Honey, you have to talk to him.
Rex: And tell him what?
Bree: Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - you know.
Rex: I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good.
Bree: Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them.
Rex: And that will accomplish what?
Bree: Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe...
Rex: He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 14: "Love is in the Air"

Mrs. McCluskey: How old are you boys anyway?
Porter: We're six.
Mrs. McCluskey: And you?
Parker: Five.
Mrs. McCluskey: Wow, your mum just pops them out doesn't she?
Preston: How old are you?
Mrs. McCluskey: How old do you think?
Porter: 150
 • Rating: Unrated

Rex: For gods sake, you promised to be supportive.
Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?
Bree: Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about Boise?
Rex: Boise?
Bree: What's the matter with Boise?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm. How about Palestine?
Rex: Boise will be just fine
 • Rating: Unrated

Mary Alice: Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly. Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten, spice racks made in summer camp, and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of. One she wasn't embarrassed to display. Lynette knew she'd cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day. Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them
 • Rating: Unrated

Gabrielle: That's the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I'm capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I'm never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn't get any better then this
 • Rating: Unrated

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you
 • Rating: Unrated

Yao Lin: The only reason you have anything in your life is because you're pretty. One: day you'll be old, and when that happens you'll be nothing.
Gabrielle: You are so fired.
Yao Lin: No kidding
 • Rating: Unrated

Lynette: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.
Mrs. McCluskey: No offense, but you should be sterilized
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Goldfine: How could this reconciliation work if you can't be open to each other?
Bree: We're WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 13: "Your Fault"

Gabrielle: What opportunity is more important than college?
John: For the longest time, the only thing I had to offer you was my heart. Mr. Solis gave you security and I couldn't compete. But now even he can't offer you that. And I can. My business is taking off. I can take care of you. We can finally be together. Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?
 • Rating: Unrated

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