Tom: So wait, we're not having sex?
Lynette: Hey, you banned me from your opening!

Wait, now I'm confused! When Orson came over he just said "Welcome to the neighbourhood. Need any help unpacking?"

Alma

(About Julie and Austin) She loves him. And like it or not he loves her.
(Susan and Edie walk in on Austin and Danielle making out on Edie's couch.)

Edie

Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous people she sees on the nightly news, which is why she buys expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can go about her day feeling safe and protected. Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with everyday, which is why he takes ordinary items and turns into weapons that he always keeps handy so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected. What is the difference between the housewife and the inmate? The inmate knows the feeling won't last long.

Mary Alice

Gabrielle: Honey, let's get real, you are way too young for me.
Zach: I'm two months older than John Rowland.

Gabrielle: (going through Julie's room with Susan) First rule of ransacking- remember where everything goes. (snaps pictures with camera phone)
Susan: You're going to make a really good mother someday.

People don't come back from the dead.

Alma

(to Tom) and tonight I'm gonna slap on some sex perfumes and you're gonna get naked and then we're gonna see who the man is.

Lynette

(Julie and Austin are talking about having sex, Susan walks in and they stop)
Susan: Hi!
Austin: Hi.
(Awkward silence)
Susan: Bye!
Austin & Julie: (Smiling) Bye.

Well I'm sorry I've never been good at getting people not to have sex!

Edie

Susan: (on the phone about the pills) So I'm just curious, where do you get off prescribing that without my consent? What? No I most certainly was not there What do I look like? I don't have blonde hair.
Looks from the window and sees blonde Edie.
Susan: Wait, did my blonde hair have dark roots?

The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks.

Edie

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

(narrating) Orson Hodge had always assumed that the moment before he died, his entire life would flash before his eyes. But as he fell from the roof of the Fairview Memorial Hospital, it wasn't his life he saw. It was one night in particular (flashback to the night Monique Polier got killed). Yes, Orson Hodge had always assumed that his life would flash before his eyes the moment before he died. Luckily for Orson, that moment was not scheduled for today.

Mary Alice

Edie: (to Harvey Bigsby about the shoplifting) Look, make him work it off. You get a free stock boy for a month!
Austin: A month? It's a 10 dollar bottle of whiskey!
Edie: Exactly! You weren't even smart enought to steal the good stuff!