Dana: Are you drunk?
Ari: No, I'm lonely and I just wanted someone smart and mature to talk to and Warren Buffett wouldn't take my call.

Manicurist Girl: You're cute; you'll get your groove back.
Ari: Stella did, right?
Manicurist Girl: Who?

Let me tell you something, I was starring in movies while you were still sitting on the bottom of your daddy's nut sack.


I'm not scared. I'm scared for the town. Because once I go out, women will fall and men will start wailing.


Ari: You're the good kind of addict. You're the I-got-messed-up-with-the-wrong-girl-and-ended-up-on-a-blow-bender addict. But Ertz is the Skeevy-old-man-who-got-caught with-a-crack-pipe-and-the-17-year-old-from-Speed-Racer addict.
Vince: Michael Vick drowned puppies and they let him play again.
Ari: Ertz doesn't have Vick's arm strength.

Vince: I was just telling my buddy over here how the program got me to let go of all of my anger towards you.
Carl: Well that's good.
Turtle: Yeah, I'm not in the program, so I still think you're a douche.

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