Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

(Peter spits tobacco on the floor)
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
(Peter spits in cup and puts it on the arm of the couch)
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice.
Brian: Stewie, wait don't-
(Flashback to Stewie beating Brian)
Stewie: Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?
(Flashback ends)
Brian: Oh, nevermind.
(Stewie drinks from the cup and starts yelling)

Lois: Chris, what happening to the couch?
Chris: Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said "that's what rednecks do!"

Stink Fleaman: You know you're a redneck if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
Mike Drunkbeater: Ohhh! That dog of mine!
Walt "Coffee & Pie" Abernathy: Woohoohoohoohoo!
Larry, The Guy Who Works For The Department Of Water And Power: You tell me how that got in there. WOOOOOOO!

Stewie: This is going to be worse than that time I lived with Marlee Matlin.
(Flashback to Stewie in Marlee Matlin's home)
Marlee Matlin: (Farts continuously) Hey Stewie.
Stewie: Aw come on, Marlee, I know you can't hear them, but you've got to feel those things slapping out of there.

Tom Tucker: Some new developments on the Flight 209 trauma. Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Whoops, well thanks Ollie. Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet Chung King can land an anchorman in hot water.

Tom Tucker: Channel 5 has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Peter: (From recording) Uh, hello, ground people? Uh, we, we got a little problem up here. Uh, we need some help or we're gonna crash... So, uh, that being the case, um... is it cool if I shut off "Last Holiday?" It seems unfair that the last thing these people might see is a mediocre comedy featuring Queen Latifah on skis. (Laughing) Cleveland look, she just fell over! She can't stand up on those things.

Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair. (Kid starts kicking the back of the chair.) Thank you.

Herbert

Lois: Glen, we're so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah. Guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: And I'm so happy, I don't mind that I was raped in a federal prison after being arrested for hijacking!

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 23 in total