Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Meg: I'm going to the mall later, (Provocatively) maybe you can come and help pick out some underwear?
Brian: Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility...uh, I have...plans, um (Chris walks in) with Chris! Chris and I uh, have plans this afternoon.
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yeah, yeah we're doing that, thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Chris: Masturbate?
Brian: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris: Well, maybe back to back, but I got to tell ya, I'm not a hundred percent on this.

Meg: Oh, just relax. We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: Well, I don't know if... Wait. What?
Meg: We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A hwhile?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting hweird.
Brian: Oh, come on. That one doesn't even have an H in it.

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

Meg: We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Brian: Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange? I-I-I think I might be gay. Um, I-I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself, "Well, that's... that's just fine."

(About Meg) FYI, the carpet matches the drapes, in color and length.

Stewie

Lois: Oh Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Brian: Ya got any weed?
Lois: I put it in your coat pocket.

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)

Brian: Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
Meg: No I won't. I'm so fat and gross.
Brian: Aw...
Meg: I should just kill myself.
Brian: Aw... That's... come on.
Meg: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me.
(runs to kitchen)
Brian: Aw...
(Meg opens drawer and rummages for a knife)
Meg, stop it. Come on.
(Meg takes out a knife)
All right, all right. Meg, look...

(Telephone rings)
Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh, what time does it start?
Jillian: Ten o'clock, Eastern and Specific Time.
Brian: What? What did you say? Specific Time? Don't you mean Pacific Time?
Jillian: No I think it's called Specific Time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
(Stewie laughing)
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later.

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