Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Episode 8: "Barely Legal" Quotes
Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
Peter: Yeah, Brian. You're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
Quagmire: Alright ladies, are you ready for action?
Woman #1: We sure are Glenn.
Woman #2:Did you get the Hwhip?
Quagmire:Got it right here--wait what?
Brian: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.Lois: Oh she's just grateful you took her to the dance.Brain: Well, uhhh, I..I think its more than that..uhh..so here's the thing..and don't get mad and that part I can't stress enough, that's a great shirt by the way...ummm I may have made out with Meg..(Lois pauses then punches Brian)Brian: (rubbing his nose) Ok I had that coming.Lois: (furious) What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard!Brian: (getting to his feet) Look I was drinking..Lois: (sarcastically) Ohhh, what a shock!Brian: (sarcastic laugh) Look the short version is, this morning she made me eat the hair in her pie..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (getting up from the ground) No its not what you think, Stewie had some too..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (annoyed) Stop punching me!
(Brian, Meg and Stewie arrive at the mall to meet Meg's friends)Meg: (to her friends) Everyone, this is Brian.Friend 1: Ohh, this is Brian.Friend 3: He does look like Ben Affleck.Friend 2: He looks just like Ben Affleck.Friend 4: Is that Ben Affleck?Brian: (uninterested) Hey.Friend 4: So, how did you guys meet?Brian: I'm...uh...a friend of her dads.Friend 2: Oooh, he's older.Friend 1: He's cute.Friend 3: Do you have a brother?Friend 4: Makeup and stickers and ponies and myspace.com
(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..
(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.
(Meg tells Brian about her backup for the dance and how he already had plans)(scene cuts to Meg at the front of Jimmy's door)Meg: Hi Jimmy, umm I heard you didn't have a date to the dance and I was wondering if you would like to go with me..Jimmy: Oh....uhhh...I...uhh....h-hang on..(runs inside and closes the door)(two gun shots are heard firing in the house)Jimmy: (reopening door, crying) I'd love to go Meg, but.. (sniffs) .. I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night..
Meg: I'm going to the mall later, (Provocatively) maybe you can come and help pick out some underwear?
Brian: Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility...uh, I have...plans, um (Chris walks in) with Chris! Chris and I uh, have plans this afternoon.
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yeah, yeah we're doing that, thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Chris: Masturbate?
Brian: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris: Well, maybe back to back, but I got to tell ya, I'm not a hundred percent on this.
Meg: Oh, just relax. We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: Well, I don't know if... Wait. What?
Meg: We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A hwhile?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting hweird.
Brian: Oh, come on. That one doesn't even have an H in it.
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)
