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Family-guy

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Tom Tucker

Oh, oh God! There is no ****ing drummer better than Neil Peart! (punches table) It ain't easy being cheesy.

</i> Chester Cheetah

Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
Jillian: Hi Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh dear God.
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!

Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.

(To himself in the mirror) There we go, you are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Brian

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.

Peter

Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)

Peter: Alright Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.
Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
Peter: Okay yeah, but your character can walk.
Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.
Peter: Okay Chris, roll film. And, action! Joe, get outta the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (zaps Joe)
Joe: (While flying out of his chair) Ahhhhh!
Peter: Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talkin'.

Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh ,uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh God Stewie come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah I would.
Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.

Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
(Olivia begins to cry)
So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 17 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Episode 7 Quotes

Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.

Peter

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

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