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Family-guy

(Brian and Jillian are having sex)
Brian: Oh, yeah. You like that, huh?
Jillian: Yeah, it's rad!
Brian: Please don't talk.

Meg, lend me twenty-five cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside and make the immigrant kids jealous.

Stewie

Jillian: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Brian: Really? Where'd you read that?
Jillian: In Pee-opple Magazine.

(Jillian finds out Brian didn't actually want to move in with her)
Jillian: Oh my God, I have never felt so stupid.
Stewie and Brain: Really??

Lois: So Meg, any luck in finding another job?
Meg: No, hardly anybody is hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line and I sucked at it.
(cuts to living room, Meg is on the couch talking on the phone)
Meg: What am I wearing? Um, a hat, and glasses. What kind of underwear? Um, I don't know, big underwear I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well, um, I guess maybe we'd get pizza, and we could watch House?
(Cuts to Peter upstairs, also on the phone)
Peter: Alright, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway ma'am, I appreciate your time. (hangs up the phone)

Brian: She's gone. Jillian's gone.
Stewie: Look Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend, and then he got another one and everything was alright? And then he got Parkinson's...yikes.

Carl: Uh Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions?
Chris: No.
Carl: Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out, it's pretty hot. Fourty-seven minutes, sixteen seconds in.
Chris: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's another great movie? Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connolly. I mean, that's one of those movies that... I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie.
Chris: She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she, um, wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris: Yeah, in the way that like, classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya know?
Carl: (pauses) No.
Chris: Alright, so ya see a hot girl, and you're like "okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty, because you've definitely worked at it. With the clothing and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." But secretly, I'm just like "hey man, where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?"
Carl: Wow, you're smart.
Chris: W...what?

Herbert: Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Stewie: Piss off you perverted old freak.
Herbert: Oh, we got a fighter.

Brian: (answers door) Stewie, hey, what's up?
Stewie: Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary I'd come here, and then its off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for ya?
Brian: Not really.
Seamus: (to Stewie, from down the hall) Did ya use the jokes?
Stewie: Yeah, they're not landing.
Seamus: (groans)

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