Family Guy

Family Guy "No Chris Left Behind" Quotes

Stewie: You know Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia, and uh... seems to work out for them. So, hintidy hint hint.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.
 • Rating: Unrated

Instructor: Welcome to the Quahog maritime school Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men, just men, for many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men.
Chris: Is this some kind of pirate school?
Instructor: Well... a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that.
Chris: I don't know...
Stewie: Is there some kind of pre-school program?
 • Rating: Unrated

Construction Worker #1: My son got into DeVry.
Construction Worker #2: Oh, good. What'd he have to do, open the door?
Construction Worker #1: (Sighs) Can't you let me have anything?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Roger Chapstick: And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris.
Virgil Mastercard: Well I love her politics but how is she in bed?
Roger Chapstick: Well as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?
School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally.
Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Chris: Lets just go.
 • Rating: Unrated

TV Announcer: We now return to, How I Met Your Father.
Ted: Oh Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married.
Barney: You know Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his twenties to always be talking about getting married rather than getting laid?
Ted: Barney, I'm in love with you.
Barney: (takes out a condom) Suit up. (They start making out.)
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. (Cuts to scene with a Captain steering a ship filled with slaves.)
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No.
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No!
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: Damn it! I swear to God I will turn this ship around!
Slaves: That works. Okay. That'll teach us a lesson. Yeah, that's even better.
Captain: Oh right, (starts turning ship) if that's what you... wait a minute!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bruce: Oh hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We're going to have a public show, we're going to have some jazz. No, I'm just kidding, we have some business to take care of though. I'm sorry I pulled y'all legs. I'm just a little excited because (high-pitched voice) I met somebody today. Someone in the book store. Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do. Oh and the adventure begins again!
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

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