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Family-guy

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining. [pause] But, um...you know, I don't know where I'm going with this

Peter

I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through

Quagmire

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!

Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!
Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone

Lois: Peter, I was up all night waiting for you, where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were YOU?
Lois: Out drinking. But I got back at two

Cleveland: Look at all the damage!
Peter: Thank God the open air debris garden is still intact

Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy

Chris

Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar. A bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock

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