Family Guy Season 6 Episode 4: "Stewie Kills Lois" Quotes
Brian: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwriting.
(Cuts to a scene with Paul McCartney, George Harrison and John Lennon in a recording studio when Ringo Starr enters)
Ringo: Hey guys I wrote a song!
Paul: Oh thats great!
John: Oh good Ringo!
Paul: (Takes the song) You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. (hangs it up on a refrigerator) Right on the refrigerator. That way we'll get to see it everyday.
Ringo: All right!
- Permalink: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwrit...
Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.
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Peter: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donell.
(cut to scene of a drunk God creating a person)
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man.
God: And why not? I'm God.
Angel: Well what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
- Permalink: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Don...
Joe: I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise?
Peter: Actually I got it one the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said 'I wish you were dead'. Right before I never saw her again.
- Permalink: I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get t...
Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois's death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you - Stewie, did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I just poop and fall asleep.
Brian: Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.
(Stewie's head has spun half way around)
Stewie: Oh God, I really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that accupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that Brian. But seriously, get that number.
Brian: Well, I am going to expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes. You are gonna pay for this!
- Permalink: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. W...
I did it! She's dead! (runs down the boat,laughing. He suddenly falls) Ow ow! (begins crying) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (realizes) Oh, yeah. That's right.
- Permalink: I did it! She's dead! Ow ow! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Oh, yeah. T...
Chris: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
(cuts to living room. Joe is dressed like Lois with make-up and clothes)
Joe: So sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
Chris: I want blue jeans.
Joe: (yelling) You're getting SLACKS!
- Permalink: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping...
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh no!
Bruce: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Chris: Oh No!
Kool-Aid Guy: (Crashes through courtroom wall) Oh yeaaaah!
(slowly backs out)
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? Cause the f***ing Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up. Thank you.
- Permalink: Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murd...
Prosecutor: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. Haha, no, no I'm joking, yes I drink.
Prosecutor: And have you ever struck your wife?
Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
Prosecutor: Are you a violent man?
Peter: (rolling up his sleves) What are you, a wise guy? Cause I know how to deal with wise guys.
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Peter: You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat I'd shoot you.
- Permalink: Mr. Griffin, do you drink? I plead the fifth of Jack. Haha, no...