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Allison [about riding a dirt bike]: Get on there, what's the worst that could happen?
Tom: I dunno, having to learn to type with a pencil taped to my head?

Why does Louise have to learn Chinese? When the Chinese take over the world they're going to teach it to us for free in their re-education camps

Gary: When are you gonna take time to be a kid
Louise: In my late 30's like you
Gary: I'd ground you for that, but then I wouldn't have anyone to play with

Jack: I'm proud of you for helping him out, son
Gary: Thanks dad
Jack: You know you have a great big oversized help
Gary: That's why I'm helping him you think?
Jack: No, it's something I keep forgetting you tell you, it's hereditary

Gary: I'm here for you, whatever you need, I'll do it for you. whatever it is you need. I'll help you
Taylor: Hold me
Gary: I'll put the TV on, I'll make you some soup
Taylor: Hold me
Gary: Run you a bath, get you a magazine
Taylor: I am a human being crying out in desperation and need, just come here and hold me!

Taylor: Can I ask you a simple business philosophy question, do you hate making money?
Gary: Yes, I hate making money
Taylor: Well then you are doing everything right. Why don't you use any of the tricks or loopholes or mechanisms I've set up for you
Gary: It's the tricks, loopholes and mechanisms that got me audited in the first place. I'm a house painter, you have my corporate headquarters in the Cayman Islands!

Taylor [to Allison]: You look like you've lost 190 pounds
Allison: What?
Taylor [about Gary]: I'm talking about this guy over here!

Tom: mom, they have a hamburger that costs $23
Allison: oh
Gary: does it come with a picture of the chef laughing at you?

Dennis [referring to the painters]: Anything you wan to say to m you can say in front of my real friends
Gary: Your real friends? We picked up three of these guys this morning

Anna: I used to kiss my pillow and pretend it was you
Gary: What a coincidence, I used to kiss Allison and pretend she was anyone else

Allison, I have the answer to all your problems, except your stretch marks and screechy voice...damn, we must have gotten disconnected.

Jack: Woh, deja vu
Gary: It's not deja vu, it's the fifth time you walked into the room!

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 42 in total

Gary Unmarried Quotes

Louise: Thank you dad, you restored my faith in men
Allison: What'd he do? Wear pants to go get the mail?

Ms. St James: If we're going on a date you should call me erica
Gary: But can I call you ms St James on the date cause that's kinda hot?

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