Doug: It's not going up, Marty.
Marty: They have pills for that.
Clyde: It's so brave of you to talk about it. Usually, guys that can't get erections don't want to say...
Doug: Trust me, I get plenty of erections.
Clyde: Feel like you're overcompensating now.

Thing is, real fortune has nothing to do with chance or luck. "Fortuna" is bullshit. Real fortune is calculated. It's relentless, fucking criminal even. You have to make fortune happen.


Kate Spade? Seriously? Get out of my face.


Oh my God, Malcolm. You do know that's Dad's girlfriend, right?


Clyde is back to full asshole mode now that I won't go out with him.


Maya: Wow!
Ellis: What is your problem?
Maya: My problem? My problem is that you're the same pompous, dismissive, arrogant prick that you've always been. Cause you say these things that are supposed to be profound. They mean absolutely nothing. "The future is coming faster than any of us could have anticipated." Fuck you!

He is such a piece of shit.


Maya: Any chance you'll be donating any of last year's crude oil earnings to the kids?
Denna: Gosh, kinda got that money earmarked for a blood diamond that caught my eye.

Maya: Jeannie, you are just absolutely glowing.
Jeannie: I'm a bloated sack of meat stuffed into a cocktail dress but thank you.

Get back into that auditorium or I'm gonna beat the living fuck out of you. (pause) Did you think I was joking?


Ellis: (sobbing) My father died!
Marty: I'm sorry... When did you find out?
Ellis: Nine years ago.

Clyde: It's a business, not a weekly poker game, which I also have, which you cannot join.
Doug: She sold my bird.
Clyde: She sold your bird?
Doug: Well, he's gone.

House of Lies Quotes

Hey Dad, want me to teach you how to Dougie?


That woman can do more in bed than any post-menopausal woman has any right to be able to do.