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Ted: Look, I shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go, look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again!!

Barney: Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow


Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him, don't let him out of your sights. For a minute.


Mary [Whispering to Ted]: You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vader's head? [pointing at Sandy Rivers] Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter

Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet? Or are you waiting until you are in a serious relationship with someone else?

Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute.
Marshall: Dude you just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered!

You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle


Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?

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