Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kind of like Barney?
Ted: Kind of.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!

You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!


Ted: I'm crazy about you. I think we should be together. What do you say?
Robin: Yes. No. Maybe.
Ted: Those are the three options

Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl...
Penelope: There's this girl? You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great Spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid

Ted: Have you ever seen a rain dance?
Penelope: I've seen a filmstrip.
Ted: Terrific...Uh, look I should run. I'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple of episodes of ER

Lily: So what's this big, beautiful, romantic gesture?
Ted: I am going to make her...a mix CD... No, I'm kidding. I got a plan

Penelope: Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: So much of your mom in you

Barney: This feud goes so far back, I don't even remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall: You?
Barney: Totally!

Robin: I thought it might look cool. Of course, my colorist took "highlights" to mean I want to look like a tiger. Hence the hat.
Ted: Oh, I got to see this!
Robin: No way!
Ted: Please? I bet it doesn't look that bad. I bet it looks grrrrrrrrrrrreat!

Robin: Need a ride, cowboy?
Ted: Sorry, I don't get in vans with strangers.
Robin: Hmmm, too bad. I've got candy.
Ted: Candy!

There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not


How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now.


Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!