How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway

Future Ted

Lily: Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school?
Barney: Please, I'm ageless. Scherbatsky just needs a good night's sleep and you've got statutory written all over your body.

Lily: Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.
Barney: Yea. Lily, you know I can't promise that

Robin: I never got to go to my prom; we always had field hockey nationals in the spring.
Barney [coughs and then waits to say]: Lesbian!
Robin: The cough was supposed to cover the lesbian.
Barney: No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate

Nerd: Hey, you ladies want something to take the edge off?
Robin: What the hell, it's prom. [takes a drink] That tastes like cough syrup!
Nerd: Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Our fake IDs said we're only 20, and we didn't realize it until after we bought them.
Robin: Nerds who aren't good at math? Life is going to be rough boys

Scooter: You're breaking up with me?
Lily: There is so much I still want to do. I want to travel, live overseas, as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship, plus I think I was just dating you because you look a little like Kurt Cobain.
Scooter: I can change; I can look more like Kurt Cobain

Nerd: So what's the deal here, am I getting lucky tonight?
Robin: Oh, Shawn, look, umm, you're a nice guy but I just don't...
[he throws up on her]
Robin: No, you're not getting lucky tonight

Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a we're going to make out way. Not even in an I forgive you way, just in an "I've missed you" way.
Ted: I'll take what I can get

Ted: So how was your first prom?
Robin: You tell me. I hated my dress. My date got wasted and puked on me. There was a huge fight. And I kissed a girl.
Ted: So basically, it was a prom

Lily & Robin: (to Barney about their prom dresses) Alright, what do you think?
Barney: Horrible!
Lily: (disgusted) You'd make such a great dad.
Barney: It's so classy and nice; you're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days? With the Ashley, and the Lindsay and the Paris. They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home.
Lily: Well we have to get in. I have to see this band because we have to make a decision by Monday because I'm getting married in 71 days and we still...
Robin: (cutting off Lily's panicked rant) Shhh shhhh. Sweetie, let's focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now you just have to dress like a whore and that's it.
Lily: Alright.
Barney: That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!

Lily [to nerds]: Hey boys, wanna take two hot girls to the prom?
Nerd: Sorry, we don't have money.
Robin: It's free.
Nerds: Okay then

Barney: Guys, I just tasted an amazing caterer.
Lily: We already have a caterer.
Barney: Oh right! You're getting married. [to Ted] You see what I did there?

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!