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How-i-met-your-mother

Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it.

Lily

Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing

Lily

Robin: And look, you can still travel, you can still paint, and as far as your lesbian experience. [kisses Lily] Happy?
Lily: Yeah. So, field hockey, huh?
Robin: Shut up

Marshall: It'll be cool. I'll tell you what, we'll make a game out of it. First one to stuff a hundred invitations gets a big prize.
Ted: Do I look like I'm four? ... All right, what kind of prize are we talking about?

Barney: We'll just sneak in.
Marshall: We are not sneaking in to a high school prom.
Lily: Yes we are, it's the only way.
Ted: You are getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped

Ted: Look, I shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go, look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again!!

Barney: Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yea, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow

Barney

Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him, don't let him out of your sights. For a minute.

Robin

Mary [Whispering to Ted]: You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vader's head? [pointing at Sandy Rivers] Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter

Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet? Or are you waiting until you are in a serious relationship with someone else?

Barney: That's adorable Ted. You're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute.
Marshall: Dude you just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered!

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

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