How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 19: "Mary the Paralegal"

Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up losing both girls in one night.
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 18: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M."

Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I hate how you're always right.
Lily: It's my best, and most annoying, trait
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Little girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.
Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got fiiive dogs
Little girl: My grandma has 5 cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yea, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady - doeesss anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No! Are you!?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Look Barney you tried I think that's great but we're going.
Barney: No! No! Come on.
Marshall: Yes!
Barney: Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.
Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Tss go home.
Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Kids, you don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?
Kids: Noo
Barney: I know what you want. Magic!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I'm going over to this girl's house to make juice.
Taxicab driver: Nice!
Ted: Oh no, it's not like that, we're juicing as friends
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney: That is a lie!
Marshall: It is not a lie.
Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before!
Barney: I used to box in the Army
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 17: "Life Among the Gorillas"

Lily: I made you a sack lunch [giggles]
Marshall: I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch, and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack."
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package, you've got a great package, Marshall, I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Erickson, but you've got a huge package!
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Lily: So if those guys pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.
Lily: Good boy
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Barney [to Marshall]: You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Barney: Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was really specific
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 16: "Cupcake"

Victoria: Here's a professional tip, if it's still runny, it's not a cupcake, it's a beverage
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Victoria: I'm going to meet Ted for our 2 month-iversary.
Robin: Oh great that answers all of the questions I didn't ask
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Robin: Short in the front, long in the back, that is the mullet of wedding dresses
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily [trying on wedding dresses]: Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily [about a wedding dress she just found]: Okay, okay, how much is it on a scale from "never" to "never ever"?
Robin: Never ever, ever ever ever times infinity
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

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