How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes (Page 14)

Season 1 Episode 2: "Purple Giraffe"

Robin: What are you doing here?
Ted: Oh, you know, uh, just shopping for, uh... dip. I love dip. Well, I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted: Whoa, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Works-with-Carlos Girl: What?
[back in the present]
Barney: Thanks, bro!
Ted: Glad I could help
 • Rating: Unrated

Random Girl: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course...
Random Girl: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you, no one even knows who you are!
Random Girl: I understand, you're hurt, but... you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: Who Is Carlos!?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: No.
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Random Girl: No.
Barney: Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party?
Random Girl: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me.
Barney [to Ted, Lily, Marshall]: Anybody know a Carlos?
[they shake their heads]
Barney: On a silver platter
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted: No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted]
Ted: ...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
Ted: Anyways, Robin, this is...
Carlos: Carlos
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: She's still talking to Carlos... I can still win this, it's not over!
Lily: Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk... Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married. And right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you... but Robin ain't one of them
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: (Stops working and looks at Lily) No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted: Guys. Boundaries
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: You know it's so funny I ran into you. We're having a party next Friday if you'd like to swing by, but, you know, whatever.
Robin: Oh, I'm going back home next weekand. Too bad it's not tonight.
Ted: It is, it's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, 'cause I've been saying next Friday all week. But yeah it's tonight; the party is tonight. But, you know, whatever
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall: Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Older Ted: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good
 • Rating: Unrated

Marshall: Hey, where the hell is my...oh! OK. Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw, not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not even going to show up. I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin? [turns around and sees Robin] Hi. Hi, Robin
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Barney: Solid plan, my little friend.
Ted: We're the same height
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when Robin shows up?
Ted: OK, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these "Hey, what's up?" She says "Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera." And then I say "Well, make yourself at home" and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here," I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I just gotta bump into her somewhere. Now if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.
Lily: That's great, Ted. You'll be the most casual stalker ever
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Lily: Look who I ran into.
Ted: Since when do you guys know each other?
Robin: Since about, here. [points to top of glass]
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot"

Lily: Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Awww. Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: I think I like your olive theory.
Ted: I think I like your new French horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you
 • Rating: Unrated

Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney [whispering]: A simple no would've sufficed
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

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