Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...[credits roll]

Barney

Ted: So, Argentina?
Robin: Yes, Argentina.
Ted: Why is this the first I'm hearing about Argentina?
Robin: Um, American schools suck at geography.

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met our children, our son Totally and our daughter Freaking?

Ted: Dude... you shaved your fricking head?
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, and she'd like... lets say, you in the inappropriately short dress to rub them

Barney

Barney: May I have everybody's attention...
[Everyone ignores Barney]
Barney: It's for the bride.
[Everyone stops talking and turns towards Barney]

Robin [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress]: Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [she lifts her arms up and the dress falls down to her waist, exposing her breasts] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

Barney [talking to Lily in San Francisco]: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. (Barney slams the door behind him.)
Barney [opens Lily's door again]: Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: She was 15?!?!
Barney: A 15...like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

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